Thanks for visiting my blog! I’m sure you’re curious as to why you’re here. I also get lost in the internet just clicking on random links, thinking, “Oooh, where does this one lead to?” Well, now you’re here! Welcome!

This blog is all about me (Jordan) and my husband (Michael) talking about movies, specifically those included in the Criterion Collection.

I’ve had several friends throughout the years tell me to start writing a blog (Hi Randi!), but I’ve never landed on a topic that required the world to hear my two-bit opinion. After Michael gave me an amazing present for Christmas, I thought, “Hey, this might be a blog! It has an inherent structure, and it might just be amusing enough that other people will want to scroll through it while on the toilet!”

So here we are! I will be posting reviews of Criterion Collection movies that Michael and I watch together. We hope you’ll enjoy our comments. I especially hope that this will lead you to watch some really amazing films that you might not have seen before. If you have seen them, you might want to go back and rewatch them with fresh eyes and our voices in your head. (If you know what we sound like, great! If you don’t know what we sound like then pick your own voices. I recommend Danny Kaye for me and Miss Piggy for Michael.)

If you want to learn more about how this blog came about, keep reading! If not, go back to the main page and dive on in!

The Gift

It was November in the year 2019 (according to “Common Era” calendars. Personally, we like to use the Blarfenznot Calendar, which means it was really Quatzor in the year 23692, but whatever…) Michael wanted to give me the best Christmas present ever, but he was strapped for ideas. What was he to do?! He decided he’d look around the apartment for ideas. For days, nay, WEEKS he looked. He sat on the couch and looked. He sat at the table and looked. He washed the dishes and looked. He lay in bed and looked. He looked, and looked, and looked. All he could see were my stacks and stacks of Criterion DVDs and Blu-Rays all over the apartment.

“You need to put these movies on a shelf,” he said to me.

“We’re out of shelves,” I said to him.

“Then we need to get a shelf,” he said to me.

“I’ve been trying to get you to pick out shelving units for years, and you still won’t,” I said to him.

“Look, if you’re going to get snippy…” he said to me.

“I’m not snippy!” I snipped at him.

25 minutes later when we finished bickering we ordered a brand new shelf and reorganized the apartment. Finally, for the first time since we moved into the apartment 9 years earlier, all my Criterion movies were on one shelf (except for the Godzilla and Ingmar Bergman box sets which were too big).

“I have a lot of great movies,” I said, reorganizing them for the third time.

“Yeah, but you never watch them,” Michael said.

“It’s because you never want to watch them! I have to wait until you’re not home before I can watch any of my Criterion movies! And you’d actually like some of them!”

That’s when inspiration struck! Michael would get me the best present ever this year, and it wouldn’t cost him a dime!

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On Christmas morning Michael presented me with a gift bag. I opened it up, threw the tissue paper over my shoulder, and reached into the bag. There was a small slip of paper.

“Oh, it’s a gift voucher…it says Criterion…what is it?” I babbled.

“Just read it! You like to read!” Michael insisted.

“Yes, but…what does this mean?” I asked. At first I thought it was some kind of coupon to redeem to get a Criterion movie or subscription to the Criterion Channel, but that wasn’t it…

“Wait…you mean you’re going to watch my Criterion movies with me?”

“Uh huh,” Michael said, grinning.

“And you can’t say no?”

“Yup!”

“And we can watch up to one per day?”

“That’s what it says! Are you not reading this? How do you not understand this?”

After I finished showering him with kisses and hugs, I said, “Can we start now?”

“What does the coupon say?”

“But…I want to start now….”

Michael shook his head. “It’s only from January 1, 2020 to December 31, 2020.”

So after much whimpering, I relented. We began watching a week later…

The Blog

After watching two movies in the new year, I realized I didn’t really have an in depth conversation with Michael about what he thought about them. I really wanted to get his thoughts, his opinions, to speak for hours on the world as viewed through the camera lenses of the best artists since the invention of film! I sat Michael down and asked him what he thought of the movies we had watched thus far. I was so excited to have a really deep conversation about life, art, the experience of cinema!

“That first one was stupid,” Michael said. “Oh, did I show you this meme I saw on Facebook today…”

After some wheedling, I finally got Michael to talk about the movies in some detail. We talked for almost an hour with only five ADHD-style interruptions and three bathroom breaks. I really enjoyed talking to him on a (semi) focused topic that greatly interested me.

The next morning, I started to think. Maybe this was a blog. We had a topic: films that were part of the Criterion Collection. We had viewpoints: Michael was sure to view the films differently than I would, and even if we both enjoyed a film it would most likely be for different reasons. We talk about movies a LOT, but no one has ever been able to hear us do it. (Except the people we pass on the street while I’m shouting due to pure frustration about how the Les Mis film adaptation was one of the worst pieces of shit I’ve ever seen in my life and what the fuck were they thinking and Michael’s saying, “Jordan, you don’t need to shout, I’m walking right next to you!”) This might actually be something people would enjoy reading about…

And that’s how it happened.

Thanks for visiting! Feel free to leave a (nice or pleasantly constructive) comment on the posts you enjoy.

(To quote Michael: “‘Cause if you say something nasty, we’re going to review you next. *something about ‘the wrath’, fist shaking emoji*”)